Sex, lies, and more Mother/Daughter betrayal than this humor column has certainly ever seen – these are the soaps of our lives. Of course, even with enough provocative content to turn Bill Clinton green with envy, you’d be hard pressed to get any of us guys to profess to watching one of these things and today I’m going to take this little bit of time that we share together to tell you exactly why! Some believe that it’s because of the drama, and some are convinced that the weak storylines are really what turn us away, but when it all comes down to it – it’s the talking!

I don’t care who you are, nobody has ever had a conversation that’s even remotely as engaging or simply drawn out as these guys and gals get, and if we’re not going to be very social in real life, what on Earth would make you think that we’d have any desire to sit and watch somebody else do it for upwards of an hour at a time?! Frankly, if there was ever to be a soap opera that guys could even imagine relating to, it wouldn’t even matter what the plot was all about because really, an hour of peace and quiet is worth so much more than you ladies even know! In fact, it may even go a little something like this…

Another Day, Another Dollar

(starring Paul Rodriguez, Elizabeth Johnson, and Thomas Wilson as Biff McNeil)

Episode #047 – You Can’t Race Around My Love…

Scene 1: Victory, and the Agony of Defeat

*** Camera fades into the final moments of the Indianapolis 500 ***

The crowd roars with excitement as Biff McNeil flies around the last curve, blasting towards the checkered flag like a Bat Out of Hell©. Little does he know, however, that just as he crosses the finish line, miles away his wife professes her love for the pool boy – twice, his dog runs away, and several of his checks are returned due to insufficient funds.

It isn’t until three mornings later that Biff recovers from the “celebrating” and hears the news for himself…

Scene 2: Pillow Talk is for Sissies!

Janet McNeil washes the stench of betrayal from her golden-blond hair as Pablo the Pool Boy still lies in bed, contemplating his actions. On one hand, Pablo has always been treated like one of the family by the McNeils, whether it be through the presents during Christmas or the lying to the INS to allow him to stay in the country. He couldn’t ask for a better opportunity, really, and yet in eighteen or twenty sporadic nights of passion, he’d probably blown it all.

On the other hand, Mrs. McNeil is extremely hot!

It was a tough call, indeed, but little did he know that Mr. McNeil’s rage would truly be the least of his problems, for while he sat on the edge of the bed dreading his own fate, leaf upon leaf continued to fall into the McNeil family pool outside and that thing certainly wasn’t going to clean itself!

Scene 3: Over Your Dead Body!

Teaming with the fury of a thousand rabid wombats, shotgun in hand, Biff hammers on the door to his own bedroom, knowing all too well what he would find on the other side…or so he thought!

Meanwhile on the other side of the bedroom door…nothing happens, really, because who’d honestly be dumb enough to stick around after you boned your boss’ wife?! Not Pablo, that’s for sure, who enjoys a leisurely game of NHL Hockey Smash 2004 on his PS2 in the guest house while Mrs. McNeil runs around like a chicken with her head cut off, panicking about what her husband will do when he finds them.

In a last-ditch attempt to rid the pair of all their problems, Mrs. McNeil has sex with Pablo without any notice whatsoever, resulting in Pablo’s losing to Toronto 47-3.

Scene 4: Saludos Los Dominos

*** During one of the commercial breaks, a hilarious Taco Bell ad airs featuring the Talking Chihuahua, Pamela Anderson and Miss Piggy ***

Scene 5: El Ploto – Zilcho

Mr. McNeil’s secretary stumbles upon a copy of the script for this week’s shocking episode and is befuddled to learn that some forty-five minutes into the show, an actual plot has still ceased to appear.

She also briefly ponders why a young and attractive woman like herself, with the face of an angel and legs that just keep on going forever, wasn’t chosen to have the affair instead of a mere pool boy. Had the writer thought of it about an hour ago, an affair between Mrs. McNeil and her husband’s secretary would’ve definitely been a much more interesting chapter in this tale, hands down, but with the show nearly over and paychecks already cut anyways, it would be too late to matter regardless…

 Scene 6: Sparky’s Return

 *** Camera fades to Biff McNeil holding a gun to Pablo’s head while his wife prepares dinner in the next room over ***

“I should kill you right here and now, sonny,” Biff proclaims, “seeing as you are having an affair with my wife, in my guest house, wearing my fuzzy slippers…those slippers are mine and mine alone – you of all people should be able to respect that! Hey, is that NHL Hockey Smash 2004?!

Not missing a beat, Pablo replies, “Yeah, it sure is, but I just can’t seem to Toronto – I keep getting distracted, I guess…”

Setting down his shotgun, Biff sits down on the sofa and picks up the second controller, explaining, “I know the feeling! You see, the trick to getting one up on Toronto is to keep your defense up until the last few seconds of the game…”

Confused as hell, Mrs. McNeil walks to the door just in time to let Sparky coming running inside, quite happy to see his home after being abducted by aliens and subjected some unusually harsh probing. Scratching the dog behind his ears, Janet leaves the two men to their game and walks out to the greenhouse to see how the gardener is doing today…

*** Split screen between the gardener and Pablo’s winning goal against Toronto in overtime – fade to credits and preview of next episode: The Gardener’s Thumb ***