“We get letters…”
Sometimes things just so happen to slip through the cracks here at Comedic-Genius Productions, and that’s exactly what happened with the correspondence that we’re about to entertain below. All of these are real, live letters receive from real, live readers just like you, you, and that smelly guy over there in the corner, so the next time a question or comment traces itself across your cerebral cortex, certainly feel free to jump on the old bandwagon and drop me a note about said thoughts! While I may not get back to you right away, nor will I always have the space to share your words with the world here in column form, I sincerely do always like to hear what you’ve got to say…
(That is, unless you just happen to say that I’m a horrible excuse for a creative genius that might as well just go off and eat grubs or something…but you wouldn’t say anything like that, right???)
Don’t you think that you were just a little harsh on the conservative party in your recent column about the 2004 Presidential Election? I mean, just because we want to raise our country with values that your arrogant, liberal minds could never possibly understand doesn’t give you the right to come into the ring, guns blazing without even considering our point of view. I think you need to take a long, hard look at the choices that you’ve made over the years and decide if eternal damnation is really worth those horrible things that you’ve been accusing of our brothers in Christ.
In the meantime, please feel free to go straight to hell…
Yours in God,
Dear Jack Benson,
Hey, wait a minute?! Are you really Jack Benson?! The Jack Benson?!
No? Oh, you’re some other guy then, eh?
Hmmm … this is kind of awkward now, isn’t it?
Well, I think I hear the dinner bell a’calling… Best of luck with that whole “conquering the free world through Christ”-thing of yours.
Slowly backing away,
In reading through this year’s Christmas list that you recently posted on your website, I noticed that it was completed void of anything robotic, mechanized, or even capable of shooting laser beams out of its eyes…is everything alright?! It’s almost as if this year’s list was crafted specifically of items that other people might actually be able to procure in a real store or something – certainly not what we expect after last year’s debacle!
I’m going to let things slide this year, but eleven months from now when your brain starts burning for the 2005 edition, let it me known that I expect a little more effort on your part! Don’t let the Science Club down…
My Dearest Cindy,
I love you – where have you been all my life?!
(Note to girlfriend: just kidding, honey … I only have eyes for you…)
You know what? I just re-read that column and I think I’ve got to side with you – it is pretty freaking boring, isn’t it?! No explosions, no surveillance equipment, and certainly no giant, nuclear robots capable of leveling the city with a single blast while I reign terror over my fellow man…what was I thinking?!
Please save this letter as my official word that the 2005 version will be insanely better that its predecessor. Think missile silos, think atomic pirates, think a personal tour of the moon! Yes, yes, go think about those ideas for a while because I’ve got to go lie down…
Inspired in Tampa,
Long-time, no see, man. I don’t really have a question or anything – I just had to drop you a line to say that it’s about time that you escaped from the ‘70s and cut that god-awful ponytail of yours! Get you a razor, a treadmill, and some style and you might actually have a chance of getting a woman around these parts…
Just joshing ya, man – the new dew looks great! Take care…
Remember back in the fourth grade when I told you that I hated you and I never wanted to talk to you again? I was serious about that, buddy…
* pause for dramatic effect *
Remember, nothing but love, Jimmy! Nothing but love…
Send me your letters, but for the record, let’s try to keep them a little cleaner than Jimmy’s manifestation, eh? And if you’re saying right now, “Hmmm…I really didn’t think it was that bad,” well, then let’s just say you should see the ones that I couldn’t print! Maybe another day…