I have a new theory that I want to run by you all today.

It’s pretty complex, so I hope you brought a pencil and something to wipe your brow off with afterwards, but just try to keep up. It’s a theory that I’ve sadly put far more research time into lately than I really care to admit, and it goes a little something like this:

“The more time people spend at Wal-Mart, the stupider they become.”
“Wal-Mart is like fly paper for stupid people.”
…so to sum things up…
“Boy, there sure are a lot of stupid people (who aren’t me) shopping at Wal-Mart!”

Ok, so it’s actually more like three theories, but maybe if I hadn’t spent an hour and a half waiting in line to buy more Cheese Doodles at Wal-Mart earlier this afternoon, I’d have caught that on the first pass! You see, if there’s one thing I’ve noticed during my experiences in and around the shopping establishments of this fine nation, it’s that there’s definitely a bit of an intellectual variance when comparing one store’s patrons to another’s. Of course, I myself don’t count in that mix, nor do any of you, my brilliant readers, but present company near and far excluded, I don’t necessarily think it would be out of line to proclaim that most of the store’s other patrons are more than a just a few bargains shy of a family dinner out at the Sizzler, if you know what I mean …

I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about paying $7 for a pair of shoes or $1.99 for the Complete Collection of Johnny Cash’s Greatest Hits that pretty much disables any lingering possibility of cognitive thought amongst the true bargain hunters of the world, or at least that’s been the case for all of the morons, idiots, and hose heads that I’ve come across down those gloomy, smiley-face-laden aisles over the years. I mean, what other explanation could there possibly be for someone to park her shopping cart smack dab in the middle of the cereal aisle while she frantically tears the shelves apart in search of a breakfast item with 2 calories per serving and -40g of fat because she’s on a “diet,” all the while talking to her girlfriend about the pool boy’s wonderful “technique” on a cell phone earpiece that makes her look like a cyborg while her children squeal with delight as they pelt each other with boxes of Frosted Flakes at the other end of the aisle?!

And I don’t mean to pick on Wal-Mart because I, too, have once felt the joy of falling prices as their plummet brought that much-coveted comforter set vaguely into my financial reach, despite the fact that it would be reduced to mere threads and dust bunnies only weeks later because you can’t really expect much for “quality” out of people who get paid “six cents a day.” All I’m saying is that I’ve observed more examples than Angelina Jolie has adopted children of common sense and common courtesy being thrust swiftly out the nearest window as folks step through those automated doors to low, low prices. There’s no crime in saving a few bucks on what’s honestly a truly hideous pair of sweatpants that no one, not even the cashier, should in their right mind let you spend your hard-earned money on, but there is a crime in nearly mowing me down in the parking lot on your way to purchase said hideous sweatpants because it is true that, in fact, you are the one driver in the country who is permitted to drive literally as fast as your car can go in even the shortest of parking lot distances!

I don’t think that I ask for much – just don’t risk my life for a pair of sweatpants … and hideous sweatpants at that, ok?

So I think it’s time that Wal-Mart identify this pertinent issue of a lack of brainpower in its customers and address it in really the only truly feasible method – require IQ tests from all of your customers before they’re allowed to take advantage of those low, low prices that you covet so much. In fact, you can even take a stand and encourage education by offering different prices based on how well the shopper performed on the test!

Anything Under 80 Points (below average) – You’re paying roughly double what you would pay for items now, plus your cell phone is confiscated at the door. The extra prices help to pay for the babysitters that are provided so that your children aren’t a burden to everyone else while you’re shopping.

Scores Between 90 and 110 (average) – You get the low prices at checkout, but not quite the low, low prices that are offered to the stores brightest shoppers. Try buying a few books with those discounts to bump yourself up to the next level!

Scores Above 120 (highly intelligent, not unlike you and me) – Being brilliant has its perks as you enjoy the lowest prices in the store, checkout lanes that can be traversed without worry of growing old, and of course, special aisle enforcement that restricts anyone from the first two categories from being in the same aisle as you at the same time. This will be maintained by uniformed agents, tazers, and Tickle Me Elmo sales as necessary.

Come on, heirs of Sam Walton – it’s time to make Wal-Mart the store that you’ve always wanted … one that’s so prestigious that you’re the only ones allowed to shop there! Let the sanity of us few take precedence over the wallets and need for generic potato chips of many! Don’t let Wal-Mart become the K-Mart of the 21st century, mainly because I need to come buy a new pair of shorts from you this weekend and so far all I’ve been able to scrape up is four dollar bills and a handful of change…