Oh baby, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been waiting for this all year long!

It’s certainly no secret that Christmas is my favorite time of the year, from the colorful decorations to the bountiful flavors to the generally good spirit that will float around for the next five weeks until we finally hit New Years and decide that it’s time to stop living in la la land and actually start being productive members of society once again!  But until that resolution-laden time is truly upon us, now’s the time to live it up, my friends…

Of course, with all there is to do with regards to getting prepared for said merry holidays in all of their tinsel-laden glory, it’s not hard to understand that one might find themselves a bit overwhelmed with a million different things to do and a rapidly diminishing timetable in which to do them.  In fact, rumor has it that some people were so spooked that they actually started Christmas shopping today at three o’clock in the morning! And while that level of enthusiasm is definitely just a wee bit over the top, the dedication to the holidays is nonetheless appreciated and we should all take a lesson from the book of those Early AM Warriors who ventured forth in the dead of night to obtain the Furbies and Tickle Me Elmos of 2009 at a fraction of everyday retail prices!

Don’t worry – nobody’s getting up at 3am to decorate or bake cookies on my watch…

That said, however, time is still of the essence if we’re going to pull off the most spectacular Christmas celebration ever, and I think we can do it if only we take a moment to step back and get our heads in the game, so to speak.  Conquering the Christmas spirit is all about efficiency in my books, so in an exceedingly generous display of holiday dedication, I’ve put together a little something to help you make the very most of these precious preparatory moments leading up to the big day itself.

Below you will find my Christmas gift to you – a brilliantly simple 27-point checklist that I put together during my spare time here and there to ensure that each and every one of my loyal readers is able to experience absolute true holiday submersion this year.  These points to follow truly are, if I don’t say so myself, the most important components to the Christmas holiday in and of itself, so do keep that in mind when you’re out shopping for my gift… *wink wink*

  • Holiday Muzak – this is the one time of the year when it’s ok to sing along in the grocery store while you’re picking out frozen peas … make the best of it
  • Shopping – a time to reflect on just how much standing in line each of your friends and family are really worth
  • Cookies & Candy – Mom wouldn’t put those dreaded calories in your childhood favorites, now would she?
  • The Tree – the focal point of any living room … just don’t forget to put the star on before you stand the tree up…
  • Giving Presents – they say that the giving is the most enjoyable part…
  • Receiving Presents – …so I’m always happy to receive so that as many people as possible can experience that joy firsthand
  • Lights – you’ve never truly done putting them up until you get taken to court for being a distraction for air traffic passing overhead
  • The Mall – it’s going to be hell, so for god’s sake make sure to get everything the first time you’re there!
  • Baking – it takes a real man to churn out enough gingerbread to not only make a house, but in fact an entire city!
  • Claus, Santa – the reason for the season … respect his authority
  • TV Specials – a timeless holiday classic like A Charlie Brown Christmas or Mario Lopez as a talking dog in The Dog Who Saved Christmas … your pick, as long as it’s Snoopy
  • Snow, Not Fun… – if you’re fortunate enough to live in a region that doesn’t get snow, be sure to take some time to stop and rub it in the face of someone who does
  • Charity – give a child a fire truck and he’ll play with it all day, but teach a child to build a fire truck out of LEGOs and by the end of the day he’ll have turned it into a dinosaur because dinosaurs are way cooler than fire trucks
  • Big Mouth Billy Bass – because nothing says Merry Christmas like a singing fish
  • Mistletoe – kissing is fun!
  • Binge Eating – you’re going to regret it later, but really, it would sort of be rude not to sample all of those desserts
  • Caroling – yes Virginia, they do actually exist outside of the movies … I’ll let you decide if you want to participate and be one of those people…
  • Christmas Vacation – if you’re young enough to still get two weeks off of school, enjoy them while you can because this is one aspect where being an adult kinda sucks…
  • Ugly Sweaters – Grandma’s way of making you feel awkward and embarrassed, even from across the country
  • Eggnog – somebody drinks this shit, but I’ve never actually witnessed it myself
  • Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer – could quite possibly be a metaphor for my years growing up, mostly because I was mocked daily for my freakish, bright red nose
  • Ice Skating – if you try to be cute and drag me out onto the ice, be prepared to be carting me around for the duration of your skate time because without outside assistance, I’ll never get back to dry land on my own
  • Surprises – at least pretend that you don’t know what you’re getting for Christmas, even if you discovered your parents hiding place the day after they went shopping … in the long run, they’ll appreciate that
  • Christmas Eve – an evening of good food, family togetherness, and going to bed nice and early to give Santa plenty of time to do his thing!
  • A Muppet Family Christmas – Best. Christmas Movie. Ever.
  • Good Will Towards Men – like Wil Wheaton says, “Don’t be a dick.”
  • …And Also Towards Chicks, Too! – because it’s not 1920 anymore, you know…