Dear Hollywood,
Please be advised that the following movie sequels do not need to be made, whether in theatrical release, straight-to-DVD, or projected on the bottom of somebody’s shoe. We apologize if this notice finds you late or while you’re already deep into production, however this is being said for your own good so please just stop now. Everything that needed to be said about a given storyline was either already said in the original and its own sequels, or possibly never really even needed to be said in the first place, so please take it under advisement that we’re not going to watch anymore rubbish on these topics and you’re better off hiring some writers and financing something original.
And just for the record, “original” is when you take a completely new story that’s never been heard before and work with that, as opposed to resurfacing content from another movie or even another medium in a cheap attempt to profit off of someone else’s previous success. You may want to look into it – it’s worked for Spielberg and Lucas and that Disney guy a few times in the past…
The “Please, For the Love of God Just DON’T” List…
Fast & Furious – We know that Vin Diesel still needs to work, but how about coming up with a new role for this Hollywood hunkster instead of repurposing his first bad boy character from eight years ago?! What’s next – The Chronicles of Riddick: 2 Fast, 2 Furious where Diesel plays a blind guy who always finds himself on the wrong side of the law?
Ghostbusters 3 – Frankly, the cabash needs to be put firmly on this one before it ever even gets off the ground because after two wildly successful movies back in the ‘80s, there are just too many great childhood memories at stake to risk ruining this franchise just like you did with, oh say, Die Hard…
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li – We thought that you’d have learned by now that movies based on video games with plots have a hard enough time … how can you expect a sequel to a movie about a fighting game to have any substance whatsoever? Unless everyone in the audience gets a control and can play for themselves, you’re just repeating Mortal Kombat all over again.
Star Trek – This is where the Police Academy rule applies – if you’ve already done six, it’s time to call it a day even if your cool sound-effect guy won’t have a career when you’re done.
Terminator Salvation – A good rule of thumb is that if the last sequel bombed, you can probably stop telling the story at that point … and yet here we are with another Terminator flick on the horizon. Take a clue – if Arnold isn’t even in this one, it’s over…
Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs – The formula for these frozen fiascos seemed pretty clear after the last one – just crank out plenty of witty dialog for Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, and Denis Leary to read … no need for a decent plot at this point. So if you insist on doing yet a third one of these, save yourself a few bucks and don’t even bother with a story this time around – just have the characters sit around a room and poke fun at each other because that was basically what Ice Age 2 anyways.
G.I. Joe – And finally, while this last one isn’t technically a sequel, still … WTF?! Is this what it’s come down to – just rummaging through the toy box at this point? What’s next – Rubix Cube, The Legend Begins or the lovable, animated adventures of Slinky and the House of Many Stairs?! For the last time, hands off my nostalgia!