Holy smokes – talk about a bad week to set foot on an airplane!
Folks, I don’t know if you’ve been keeping score there at home, but I have and according to my charts, we’re running out of airlines that are still worth flying faster than the crab legs on All You Can Eat Night at the buffet down the street from my house! Believe me, that’s one place you don’t want to go on a Tuesday night, much like the following airlines are folks who you don’t want to fly with at this point pretty much on any night…
Their respective crimes? Well, here’s the tally thus far, as I see it:
It’s certainly no secret that flying the “friendly skies” has been reduced to a truly miserable experience, arguably akin to having one’s own kidneys removed and then subsequently being required to sell them yourself on the black market to cover the surgery bills. The service is absolutely deplorable, as if herding customers like cattle and treating them slightly worse can somehow be regarded as “service,” anyways. They seem to have no qualms about cramming as many people as physically possible into their flying tin cans, rushing us at increasingly tiny windows in the name of efficiency and security, only to finally reach the runway where we sit for hours and are expected to remain fully calm and complacent about the experience. And of course, that’s the ultimate kicker because you don’t dare raise your voice or show any inkling of ire to anyone even in the vicinity of an airport unless you have a desire to spend the night in handcuffs…
…and no, not even in the good way, either!
If the events of this week and even those cringing memories past have taught us anything, it should be that, well, you don’t treat people like that. If someone is willing to pay you money for a service that you’re in the business to provide, it’s kind of common sense that you should go ahead and do that, preferably without being a gigantic dick in the process. Clearly this is a concept that has been lost on a good number of our airlines today, but fear not, for I’m here today to tell you that I’ve come up with a solution, and not for nothing, but I think it’s a pretty good one, too!
So here’s what we’re going to do:
We’re going to start our own airline.
We’re going to get Wil Wheaton to endorse it, specifically so that we can call it Don’t Be a Dick Airlines.
On Don’t Be a Dick Airlines, we’re going to live by the three C’s of flying – courtesy, common sense, and candy … that’s right, free candy for everyone who behaves themselves and acts like calm, collected, and perfectly rational human beings while they’re flying with us. See, being civil can have its rewards!
As you would expect, it’s going to take an elite team of highly trained employees to run this world-class, no-nonsense airline:
- We’re going to need people to fly the plane.
- We’re going to need people to help people get on the plane.
- We’re going to need people to assign seats so that parties are kept together and no one makes anyone else feel uncomfortable while flying with us.
- We’re going to need people to double-check shit to make sure that your luggage doesn’t end up in Albuquerque when clearly your destination isn’t Albuquerque.
- We’re going to need people to push those little drink carts up and down the aisles serving refreshments. We’re going to try to teach them how to not slam the carts into your knees and elbows when you’re least expecting it, but hey, nobody’s perfect.
- We’re going to need people to smile at you, thank you for flying, and actually mean it. Seriously, when was the last time that happened?!
I know, I know – it sounds like a tall, seemingly impossible order … one that no person in his right mind would possibly undertake, and that’s exactly why it’s going to work. For far too long, the airline industry has been filled with businesses that are run by policies, not by people, and sometimes what it really takes is just completely abandoning all of that stiff-suited, lawyer-speak laden, cover-your-ass corporate bullshit to refocus on your original goal – in this case, that being to fly people from point A to point B with a spring in your step, a song in your heart, and a smile on your friendly face.
Don’t Be a Dick Airlines … it kind of has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?