I have The Power!!!

Well, the power to finally work our home theater system without fumbling aimlessly between eighteen different remotes, anyways, but really, at the end of a long and arduous day when all I want to do is lay around watching reruns of The Golden Girls and eating bonbons, that’s enough for me.

So the story is that recently I found myself in the market for a new remote control – the long and the short of it being that I had picked up a new Blu-Ray player at a fantastic price with the one caveat that its remote happened to be missing.  I was ok with this, as the cold, hard fact of the matter soon transformed itself into an equally fantastic opportunity to also buy one of those flashy, new remote controls that most guys dream about…

Yes, ladies – when we’re not dreaming about sex, or Lamborghinis, or sex in Lamborghinis, we dream about remote controls. We’re really not nearly as complex as Dr. Phil likes to lead you to believe.

Of course, it should probably be noted for anyone possibly living underneath some sort of rock or something who doesn’t watch their federally-mandated 4.5 hours of TV every night that we’re not talking about some ordinary, everyday “Universal Remote” that you pick up at Wal-Mart for $14.95 and then spend the better part of the next three weeks entering all sorts of “codes” into while also praying desperately that you’ll finally find the one that will magically be able to turn something … anything … on!  No, no, no – what we’re talking about here is a state of the art, customizable work of genius that in all reality, no self-respecting fan of the moving pictures should be without…

Yeah, so it was a little expensive, but can you really put a price on happiness … and digital happiness, at that?!  With the press of a single button, this magical device brings me joys that used to come at the expense of pressing many, many buttons, and sometimes the buttons on my old remote didn’t want to work even when I pressed them repeatedly, leading me to eventually resort to just banging the thing against the coffee table in frustration!  But now that this wonderfully designed, ergonomic device has wandered into my life, never again will I be forced to get up from the couch and physically turn down the volume with my own hand because it’s 8:37pm on a random Tuesday evening and the stereo has just plum decided that it doesn’t so much feel like responding to our inferior remote’s pathetic, infrared pleas at that particular moment.  Never again!

Frankly, it’s a liberating feeling – knowing that I have that much entertainment available to me with the simple press of a button.  I imagine it must be just like how God feels when he sits down to watch some TV at the end of his own otherwise boring and mundane workday!  It’s a feeling that I think every man, woman, and child should know … well, just as long as the kid’s washed his hands first, that is.  You ever try to get grape jelly out from between the buttons of a remote control?!  You might as well just give up and buy a new one right off the bat … this remote may be utterly amazing, but of the things that it’s certainly not impervious to, grape jelly is most definitely near the tippy top of that particular list…

But don’t let a little jam-based deficiency dissuade you, my friends, for much like winning the lottery or marrying a super hot chick with addictions to having sex and making her husband delicious chocolate cakes, owning this remote has been a life changer on the most grandiose of scales.  Velvet ropes have parted, I’ve been getting pelted with gumdrops falling from the skies left and right, and as for my time spent in front of the old television … well, I don’t like to kiss and tell, but just for the record, my relationship with our home theater system has never been better.

Although now that we’ve got the remote, there was this new 72” flat screen TV that I was looking at…