That crisp smell in the air, those familiar tunes on the radio, the … err, official summons found in my mailbox…

They mean only one thing – as if scrambling to prepare for the bestest holiday of the year isn’t enough to keep a guy busy throughout the month of December, in addition yours truly is lucky enough to be called upon to fulfill his “civic duty” by means of a mandatory, non-negotiable call for jury duty!  Because really, who can think of any more festive way to get yourself in the Christmas spirit than by spending an afternoon sitting around a courthouse waiting room, bringing in a cool $15 per day with the off chance that you might get to judge someone’s fate much like no doubt Santa is already hard at work doing as we speak?!

Well actually, that’s what I assume happens because truth be told, I’ve never actually had jury duty before! I haven’t the foggiest idea quite how I’ve managed to avoid that hardened ice ball of justice this far – between a driver’s license, voter registration card, and even randomly just hanging around outside the courthouse to see “what’s up,” the powers that be have had plenty of opportunities to rob me of my daytime hours normally devoted to game shows and my stories, but nonetheless, I guess here we are and at this point I don’t necessarily think I’m out of line for saying … I don’t have a clue what to expect when I get there!

I mean, sure – a lot of people complain about jury duty and are even rumored to go to great lengths to scheme their way out of it, but at the same time … it’s Christmastime! With this time of year already filled with all of the joy and happiness that comes naturally from getting boatloads of presents and gorging ourselves on staggering volumes of fudge and candies and cookies, for all I know maybe the courts are just the festive and fun-loving type to get in on some of this holiday action, too, instead making jury duty a celebration to look forward to instead of something to fear to the point of actually considering removing my own gall bladder just to weasel my way out of it…

The more I think about it with visions of sugarplums simultaneously dancing in my head, all sorts of curiosities come to mind:

  • Do they decorate the courthouse for the holidays, and if so, what song do they make the lights outside dance to?
  • Will there be snacks, appetizers, or some sort of cookie exchange that I should whip up a quick batch of my famous Chocolate-Covered Gingerbread Mickeys in preparation for?
  • When is the best time for me to go up and sit on the judge’s lap so that I can whisper in his ear what I want for Christmas?

And while we’re on the subject, just exactly what kinds of cases do jurors find themselves deliberating on this time of year, anyways???

Perhaps we’ll see one in which a vile grinch of a character attempts to steal Christmas, of all things, leaving all those around him with no desire to touch him even with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole … although for what it’s worth we do eventually learn that he’s managed to turn his act around in the end to the effect that his own tiny heart grew multiple sizes larger as a result of his lessons learned…

Or maybe instead we’ll be faced with a couple of repeat offenders who continue to terrorize a young boy during their annual burglary drives, despite being regularly bashed in the face with paint cans and set on fire and all sorts of other things that would lead most ordinary criminals to retire and take up less stressful occupations like air traffic controllers or TV/VCR repairmen…

Or possibly even some sort of legal proceeding in which the accused isn’t technically even guilty of breaking the law, per se, as much as he’s just kind of an overall jerk who hordes his money and doesn’t believe in paying benefits to his hard-working employees … that is, until he’s visited in the middle of the night by a trio of spectral spinsters looking to teach the old chap a lesson by forcing him to take a good, hard look at his penny-pinching, coal-hoarding grump of a life!

So many possibilities, merry and bright in store, I’m not sure that I’ll even be able to sleep a wink this weekend in wild anticipation of this very merry holiday jury duty that the State of Florida has been so generous to stuff my stocking with this glorious Christmas season.  Then again, if all else fails, I can always just crack open another carton of eggnog, huddle in close to the fire, and sing a few of my favorite courtroom carols to help pass the time…

While the criminals out there are spiteful,
our time in the courthouse is so delightful,
And since if we bail, Santa will know,
let us go, let us go, let us go…

(…to jury duty…)