It may not happen often, but let me tell you, when it does – it’s magical!

This fable known to many men as The Silent Haircut may seem to be at best a tale of myth and fantasy, but trust in my words when I say to you that it does exist and if a man holds out through all of the inane small talk long enough, eventually great things do come to those who persevere!  That succulent silence may not come with this month’s trim, and it may not come with the next, but rest assured that the treasures to be found from biting thy tongue are nothing short of magnificent – believe in this you must, my anti-social brethren…

I’m sure I can’t be the only one who isn’t a fan of small talk while they’re getting their hair cut!

I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but to be honest I’m just not really the chatty-type when it comes to my monthly allotment of time spent in the chair.  In fact, some of the best experiences that I’ve ever had in that spinning, adjustable chair have been when the only words exchanged between myself and the stylist are “How would you like your hair cut?” and “How does that look?”  Want the secret to getting the best tip for your 20 minutes of work on me???

Just don’t talk to me … ever!!!

I think the crux of the problem basically is … I just don’t get small talk in general, whether I’m on an elevator or waiting in line at the grocery store or even trying to get my hair cut.  This bizarre act of random wordplay with other strangers simply for the sake of helping the time to pass has always just seemed kind of fruitless to me.  Not that I don’t care what they think about how the weather’s looking for this weekend or if they’ve got any big plans other than hauling the kids’ swing set out from the old woodshed, but … well, I guess that’s it – I actually don’t care, and frankly, if I were on the other side of those precision-grade styling scissors, I don’t really see why anyone outside of Twitter would care what I had for lunch a few hours ago, either!

Of course, you don’t dare raise such concerns about a momentary lapse of quiet to your beloved randomly selected stylist, under the general rule of not upsetting anyone whose job involves holding a pair of sharp scissors to your head!  And thus a string of caveman-esque responses featuring the likes of, “Uh huh…”, “Uh uh…”, and “Meh…” become the silent man’s last line of defense against Chatty Cathy and the 20 Questions that stand between me and my new do…

Maybe 1 in 20 … that’s less than once a year … will I find myself fully submersed in that serene solitude of silence a la the spinning chair, free to let my mind wander aimlessly without even the slightest facet of human interaction required of me … those are the times to treasure, as few and far between as they may be.  Though I yearn for that special day when possibly the loose-lipped ladies of store #65926 will be so distracted by their own inane chatter that my very presence in said chair will be reduced to cuts and snips while they yap away without so much as a, “Yup…” from yours truly, at least it’s an experience that I must only endure but once in every month…

“What do you do for a living?!  Oh, that sounds neat!  Is it hard to come up with funny things to write about?!  My brother is really good at telling jokes – you should’ve heard the one that he told last Thanksgiving…”

Better luck next month…