What can I say? It’s been a pretty busy month…

If you happened to miss my column back in March, well the joke is certainly on you because I had a baby – at least in the capacity that a man is able to have a baby, anyways – and as a result and as you might expect, the last few weeks since then have been a bit of a blur … in both sleep deprived and simply that new fatherhood daze in general!

So although I haven’t exactly had a chance to sit down for hours on end and pen any of my newfound parenting wisdom on a weekly basis that I’ve thus far acquired by force over the last month, I thought that the least I could do was phone it in and throw a few of my new dad observations down on paper to mark this milestone in my life that has up until recently not been responsible for the wellbeing of another human being.

Believe me when I tell you that I was just as terrified writing that sentence as you probably were reading it!

But without further ado, and because this kid could literally awake from his peaceful slumber at pretty much any second, here’s what I’ve noticed as a new dad so far…

  • I can’t help but wonder if Homer’s iconic choking of his son Bart on The Simpsons started out as merely harmless burping.
  • Every time that I go to unfold the changing pad in preparation for my work, I hear the theme song to the Showtime drama Dexter in my head … and in retrospect I’m not sure if I should be admitting this in writing.
  • I often wonder when I’m going to finally regret peeking into Christopher’s diaper to see if he’s going, as in when it just literally explodes in my face as I interrupt the act itself.
  • Yawns are a lot more adorable from babies than they are from adults.
  • Babies make a lot of random sounds in general, and 99% of them have to do with pooping.
  • I think that you’ve reached a pivotal moment in your life when you feel your baby pooping in your arms and you’re actually more proud than disgusted.
  • Snap-up baby clothes are simultaneously both the most frustrating and smartest invention known to man.
  • There is something worse than getting peed on while changing a dirty diaper – it’s called getting pooped on while changing a dirty diaper, and I’m probably going to be writing a dedicated humor column about it very soon.
  • Baby farts are surprisingly more hilarious … and devastating … than I would’ve expected.
  • And lastly for now, you wouldn’t think you could become so quickly attached to something that’s so predominantly occupied with pooping and sleeping, but already I think that I’m hooked.