You know what they say – time flies when you’re raising a newborn correctly and without any general cause for alarm whatsoever…

My life is currently a mystifying blur of dirty diapers and dirty bottles and dirty laundry and, well, you get the picture, but that hasn’t stopped me from making a few humorously pointed observations along the way because at the end of the day when one finds himself scrubbing an unexpectedly literal shit storm off of the precious, baby blue walls that he painstakingly painted barely three months prior, it quickly becomes clear to any new father that misery loves company.

And just as a side note before we get started here today, I also couldn’t help but notice that The New Daddy Chronicles is also probably the name of a porno series nestled in the darkest corner of your neighborhood XXX Adult Megastore … so if you happen to stumble upon this humor column in search of that by mistake, please accept my sincere apologies…

…along with these marvelously sleep-deprived jokes about baby poo…

  • The worst ailment that a baby can possibly experience is the hiccups, and apparently scaring the kid like I do the dog to make them go away is somewhat frowned upon.
  • The biggest sin that a new parent can make is bragging about how their baby sleeps through the night just fine because the retribution for said bragging is suddenly having your child not doing that wonderful feat anymore without warning.
  • Your average travel crib takes approximately 37 hands to pack it back up into its travel case, so be sure to invite lots of friends for the event!
  • Once you learn to approach the art of swaddling your baby like you’re just making an extra large burrito … that squirms the entire time … the whole process still becomes surprisingly more manageable.
  • Nobody really enjoys their shots, big or small, but I have to hand it to my son for taking a cue from his mother and not bolting from the doctor’s office and booking it back home like his old man did when it came time to administer his first vaccinations!
  • Much like Halloween Horror Nights over at Universal Studios Orlando, poops are scary and they keep getting scarier each and every time I meet one.
  • Not being particularly Catholic myself, I still don’t entirely get the whole thing about original sin that we had our son baptized for … but if it has anything to do with some of his most recent poops, Lord, I’ll take all of the help that I can get!
  • My son grins when he farts, and so it seems that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
  • Sometimes when you walk in on your spouse having conversations with your baby’s new animatronic stuffed animals, it’s best just to walk away and allow them that special bit of new parent insanity all to themselves.
  • And finally, for the next time you put your own child to bed – Rock-a-bye Baby is actually kind of a morbid song from the baby’s perspective if you ever stop and really listen to the words. Sweet dreams, says who?!