Just last week those of us living here in the U.S. of A. took Monday off to celebrate Labor Day, a day on which we all take the time to give thanks, no wait, to stop and remember those, no that’s not it either… Come to think of it, what exactly is Labor Day all about? That’s the question I hope to answer by the end of this week’s attempt at the funny, so let’s get started!
Upon taking a closer look at the common Labor Day festivities of the average Joe, I noticed that typically one or more of the following key activities can be found:
- Barbecuing (backyard or beach)
- Drinking beer
- Lounging (usually accompanied by above)
- Driving extremely long distances
If you examine this list very closely, there is not one item that infers of any actual labor taking place. Ok, so most of us would agree that we’d rather spend the hottest, most unbearably balmy day alive in the office than go on a family road trip during Labor Day weekend, but I consider that to be such a unique experience that it can’t really be described as normal labor.
Another thing to consider is the span of workers that the Labor Day effect covers. Just about everyone and their brother gets the day off (except for fast food workers – somebody’s gotta feed us!), yet do the bulk of these people actually perform enough labor to constitute an entire holiday??? Remember, this includes politicians, lawyers, Hollywood celebrities and yes, even the President of the United States! Apparently the month just wasn’t enough time off for him…
Ok, I’ll bite. After some careful persuasion from that one group that always seems to find lawsuit-inducing tendencies in anything I write, I thought it might be a good idea to at least try to give a little fact about Labor Day, so here it is:
That having been said, I’d like to take this concept and build on it in an attempt to create the greatest spectacle that the blue-collar community has ever gazed upon through the break room window! (What can I say? When I dream, I dream BIG!!!) Here’s what I’m picturing:
Labor Week (Give or Take)
It goes a little something like this: everyone in the working class, that is anyone who actually has to do a little manual work now and then, gets the entire week off to do whatever they please, completely paid. Sure, they could go on vacation if they wanted to, but the real beauty in my plan lies back home! Think about it – society couldn’t function properly if everyone decided to just stop working one day; any union associated with UPS or American Airlines has proven that, so we’ll obviously be needing somebody to fill-in for all of these empty positions. I think this would be an excellent opportunity for all of our friends in middle and upper-management to show just how much they appreciate our efforts, by getting off their asses and doing something for a change!
It would be good for them to see what life is like from the other side of the desk, plus it would give the rest of us a chance to have a little fun with them for a change! If you had the choice between going to a resort for a week, or spending some quality time watching your supervisors clean toilets, cook hamburgers, and stock shelves in the local grocery store, which would it be? I’m pretty sure Mickey Mouse can wait on this one…
Of course, the week would end with a giant barbecue at the beach where we could all sit around, drink beer and tell stories about how awesome it was watching Mr. <Fill-In Your Bosses Name Here> try to figure out how to work the Shop Vac, or better yet, a broom! Everyone would end up getting so drunk that we’d all call in sick the following Monday, even though it wouldn’t matter because the company would’ve gone under by then anyways! Appreciation is the key word about this holiday, and I hope my boss remembers my deep appreciation for his understanding and kind-hearted consideration after he reads this column…
Anyone interested in starting a union for humor columnists???