I mean, it’s completely normal to be expected to give up sex…and smiling…and pretty much all fun in general after you’re married, right?!
Oh, I kid, I kid – in all actuality, I really can’t tell you how the whole wedding thing went because I’m posting this from the past through the magic of time travel…and also the automatic-posting feature in WordPress, too. I mean, really, how insensitive would that be if I sat down and wrote this week’s column the night of our wedding during the time when, well, you know, other things are intended to take place? Then all that stuff about no sex and no happiness would actually probably be frighteningly accurate – who would wish that kind of malice on a newlywed couple in exchange for a few mildly amusing jokes over their morning coffee?
Besides, if we skip to that part now, what’ll we have to look forward to at our 10-year anniversary?!
That said, you’ve really got just as much of an idea how this thing went as I do at this point, so how do you think it went? Did it snow on the beach during our ceremony? Did a sweet & spicy jerk chicken fight break out in the middle of our reception?? Maybe we didn’t even show up, opting to elope to Vegas after my fourth consecutive nervous breakdown with regards to the wedding plans “all coming together nicely” (translate to: “not coming together in the slightest”). I hear the desert is wonderful this time of year.
Wonderfully quiet, anyways…
Nah – I’ll put my money on the table like the quarter-slot gambling man that I am and guess that our wedding ended up turning out fantastic! The food was served promptly , the music sounded audible , and the flowers were all nothing short of bouqueterrfic ! All of our guests had a great time waiting for us to come talk to them for 30 seconds and the party didn’t end until everyone had been tricked into doing the YMCA . At the end of the night, my bride and I were so tired and couldn’t wait to take a bath and go to bed over and over again. Ultimately, it was the best way to spend $20,000 in a single evening ever.
* Humor Column Madlibs!!! Don’t think my answers were very funny? See if you can do any better yourself by filling in the blanks alove with your own hilarious answers!
I suppose really only time will tell whether or not I survived The Happiest Day of My Life, and if so, whether it also led into The Happiest Night of My Life as well … not that I’d write about that – got to keep a few things sacred, or at least held off for the special edition of my upcoming book! Then again, I’m not sure if those particular tales of bedroom wisdom and woe would help to increase or decrease sales, so in the meantime let’s just all hope that I had a swell time and leave it at that! Either way, I’ll be back next week – for real, not via time travel – and we’ll do our best to get back to poking fun at politics and pop culture and people who think it’s cute to dress up their pets, despite the clear psychological damage that’s being inflicted with every doggy-sized parka that comes off the shelf.
And just think, even better yet, this is the last time you’ll have to hear about all of the insanities that stem from weddings, their planning, and their execution … at least until my unborn daughter is…uh oh, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here…