I don’t want to be writing about Nazis.
There’s not really much to be said about Nazis that hasn’t already been said in textbooks and documentaries and Indiana Jones movies, so unless Steven Spielberg needs my help putting together a new script for Dr. Jones’s next adventure … possibly one involving a Zombie Hitler’s return in search of the Holy Grail to bring him and his regime of Nazi Cyber-Werewolves back to power in the 21st century, I’m not sure what else I could possibly say about the group who the world had unequivocally agreed 75 years ago were pretty much the worst people to ever walk this Earth.
But then last weekend a group of white nationalists marched in Charlottesville, Virginia waving Nazi flags and shouting Nazi chants and giving the Nazi salute, and so here we are…
I think that it goes without saying that after fighting a world war over a topic like, say, white supremacy, society as a whole should be able to close the lesson book on it. An estimated 60 million people died in that war and many European countries now make it illegal to even display Nazi paraphernalia in public, but not here in America where the First Amendment to the United States Constitution allows its display under the idea of free speech.
Between you and me, maybe it’s time to start coming up with a few new rules when Nazis are using our Bill of Rights to spread their vile hatred through our own streets here in America.
And while I may be only a mild-mannered humor columnist, here are a few that I’ve been able to come up with thus far…
- If you’ve ever marched down the street chanting about “an ethnic cleanse” and you’re not on your way to Chipotle, don’t be surprised when we don’t want you carrying guns around anymore.
- If you’re white, and by white I mean the ethnicity that makes up 77% of the US population, 81% of Congress, 68% of business owners, 96% of the wealthiest households in America, and 70% of the voting public, you should probably worry more about understanding statistics than you do about “being replaced.”
- If you’ve ever spoken the phrase, “But the Nazis had a permit…” consider your own rights to speech in general officially waved. Seriously, we fought A WORLD WAR with these guys, for chrissake!
- If you consider yourself to be part of “a superior race” and your daily attire consists of a wife beater, seven different concealed weapons, a neck tattoo of a swastika, and a cancerous lip-full of chew, you’re confusing the term “superior” with “paranoid psychopath.”
- If you’re offended by the idea of punching Nazis, please remain at your home – Captain America will be making his rounds to individually punch every last one of you in the face.
- If you march as an angry mob carrying torches, and the next day the maker of the torches sends out a press release distancing themselves from your cause – what are you even doing, man???
- If you’ve ever raved on Facebook about the ridiculousness of participation trophies for today’s youth, only to now be ranting about the removal of Civil War statues memorializing the losers of America’s deadliest armed conflict of all time, you should probably go back to whatever Facebook group you crawled out of and just start apologizing en masse to anyone and everyone you meet online.
- And finally … if you’re a high ranking government official – say, the President of the United States – just to pick one off the top of my head, and you don’t send in the full force of the US Military the moment you hear the words Nazis and America in the same sentence – YOU’RE FIRED.