One of the big things in the news around my neck of the woods lately has been these talks about The Florida Bullet Train, or more accurately, why we really, really, super-duper don’t need that ghastly thing, so in the spirit of technology and moving society forward, I thought that it might be fun to have a little discussion of our own here about high-speed rail! Well, I guess it’s not really much of a discussion, as I’ll be the one doing all of the talking, with your primary role being to sit there and agree with me until we break for milk and cookies, but nonetheless at least it’s a process that most of my readers have long since gotten used to by now…

Of course, it should come as no surprise to most of you that I, myself, am a big-time supporter of the entire high-speed rail moment because, well, anything that moves upwards of 200-mph is pretty darn cool simply by default! But alas, it doesn’t look like we’re going to be blessed with such technological coolness here in the state of Florida anytime soon because, well frankly, the majority of our voters don’t understand the concepts of basic math. Mind you, I say this not to be mean – as you all know, I have many other things that I could say if I just wanted to be mean – but I say this because everyone seems to think that the introduction of high-speed rail to our state will cost the population an arm and a leg…families will be forced to sell their homes and live in not-so-stylish cardboard boxes outside the train terminals, Hummers and SUVs once piloted by sassy, overzealous Moms will be left deserted in Wal-Mart parking lots from Tampa to Miami, and even Mickey Mouse will have to pick up a second job to make ends meet – fast trains = bad!

And while all of us logical people understand that this simply isn’t true (the cash already exists in the established budget), you know the old saying, “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups…” and with that being said, no more high-speed rail…at least for now. But in the meantime, I don’t know about you guys, but I still want to see some changes in the ways that we get from A-to-B – some cool ways that will take a little of the boredom out of my daily commute! Sorry, Nancy and Mike, but you’re just not doing anything for me anymore…

So I took it upon myself to come up with a few ideas because, well, I’ve got that kind of time on my hands, and here’s what I was able to come up with – some are just a little extravagant, while others you might consider bizarre, but really, would you expect anything less from somebody who’s running on five hours of sleep and a bottle of DayQuil? Let’s hope not…

Jet-Powered Hot-Air Balloons – The view is always cool, but point-blank these puppies are just too stinkin’ slow to be useful in anything more than the weekend jaunt across the countryside. But just as the movies have shown us that skateboards and roller-skates and even our own shoes can be made to propel us much faster simply by the addition of miniature rockets, well, I think you see where I’m going with this one!

Rocketeer-Style Jet Packs – You’ll notice here that I’m big on flying, but that’s simply because there’s so much vertical airspace that we’re not making use of right now, and if we’re going to continue wasting our landmasses with new developments and such, it’s time to start thinking three-dimensional. Plus, what cooler way could there possibly be to pick-up a date than by flying to her doorstep?

The Tube – It seemed to work fairly well in Futurama, and although that’s technically a cartoon, I still think that there is much that we can learn from this kind of technology! Just remember – there’s no restroom stops when you’re taking the tube…

Hover Cars – I mean, technically this is the new millennium, so to quote Drew Carey, “Where in the heck is our flying car?!” All of the science fiction movies fifty years ago showed flying cars as being the premiere mode of transportation in the future, so here we are – where is it???

Ape-Back – Our ancestors had the right idea with horseback, but then we dropped the ball and opted to try a more mechanical solution…it’s time that this mistake was corrected once and for all! Not only a trustworthy mode of transportation, I think we’d also find that the ape could prove to be a formidable ally when laying siege to nearby colonies…but we’ll never know if we don’t give it a try!

Tunneling – The polar opposite of flying, really, but who among us hasn’t had at least one Moleman-type fantasy in their days? Uhhh, nobody?! Ok, well just scratch this one then…

Teleportation – All-time favorite concept, and no, I’m not stealing it from Star Trek. Science can put a man on the moon, replicate farm animals, and has even managed to keep Steven Hawking alive this long – I don’t care how you do it, but it’s time that we get this teleportation ball rolling!

Of course, I’m always open to your ideas as well, so if you’ve got a great idea for a new mode of transportation that you’d like me to suggest and thereafter take all of the credit for, send me an e-mail! Until then, always keep your ape handy and your head firmly planted in the stars…