Ever wonder what it would be like if you were a superhero?

Because I sure as hell do!

Sometimes I’ll spend hours upon hours on end just sitting around pondering super powers – is it better to go with lightning speed or just jump straight to flying?  Would I rather be invisible or have x-ray vision??  Or if I could shoot laser beams out of my eyes, what color would I want them to be???  These are the kinds of questions that can keep a guy like me up at night, which might not be such a bad thing because, really, isn’t that when danger tends to be afoot anyways?

Of course, even Superman will tell you – you can’t just pick ­all of the superpowers … that wouldn’t really leave much room for variety, now would it?  The day that Everything Man comes to town is the day that Spider-Man, Green Lantern, Captain America, and Iron Man are all out of a job!  Besides, they didn’t call them the Fantastic One or the X-Man – what’s the point of having a whole team of amazing superheroes if one guy is just going to hog all of the best powers to himself?!

Granted, with hundreds if not thousands of caped crusaders already on the books, you might find it tough to choose powers that are unique enough to make a brand new superhero stand out in a crowd, but I’m free on weekends so here are a few that I’ve been working on for a while!  Even better yet – I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with superpowers that are all sorely needed here in the Sunshine State today, for any heroes looking to relocate south in time to catch some of that scorching summer heat that Florida’s unfortunately known for…

Able to Revoke Drivers Licenses with the Blink of an Eye
Here in the state where retirement-related ruckuses run rampant, there should be no shortage of work as this hero sends those who can’t see over the steering wheel anyways back behind the Parcheesi board where they belong!

Sunscreen Spray Fingertips
Sure, they’ve got cans, but why not take it a step further and add a more personal touch?! This one could be a real hit on the beaches, and may even lead to meeting some new damsels for future protection from distress, if you catch my drift…

Wait Line Time Shifting Capabilities
110 minutes for Space Mountain does seem a bit excessive, doesn’t it?!  What better way to “save” millions of theme park fans than by making that time pass like it was nothing at all???

Gator Grip
You ever watch one of those Animal Services people try to fish an alligator out of somebody’s swimming pool?  It ain’t easy, that’s for sure, so why not call in a superhero who’s a little more equipped to deal with the situation???  Maybe he could even throw them into the sun or something for show afterwards … that might be kinda cool!

Air Conditioning Flight Path
And last but not least, hands down the power that would make for the most popular superhero in Floridian history!  Wherever this hero flies will remain a pleasant 73 degrees even in balmy July, and there will be much rejoicing…

There’s enough for five separate superheroes right there! Call ‘em The Floridian Five, or The Sunshine Avengers, or The Colossally Cool Commandos. Ok, so maybe we still need to work on the team name, but the hard part is basically done, right?!  Now all we need is five strapping, young lads and lasses, fresh from the spandex uniform factory who are ready to spread the words of justice and skin care safety to make this fair state a better place for tourists and hot chicks on the beach alike.

And for coming up with the whole thing, I’ll be their leader … you can call me Captain Modesty, the most brilliant, handsome, and undeniably hilarious head honcho the superhero community has ever known!  We fight crime, and also alligators, and no longer will our citizens be forced to endure 2-hour wait times for attractions that are over in less than 90-seconds.  Not in this town, not on our watch…