I don’t think it really comes as much of a surprise when I say that this summer is going to be a bit different than what we normally expect from summers around here.
We’d like to pretend that we’re beyond threats like COVID-19 and systemic racism, but hey, I also occasionally like to pretend that I’m Superman and fly around the house wearing a beach towel like a cape after the kids have gone to bed! The reality of the situation, however, is that sadly I cannot actually fly, and even more sadly, these global issues that we’re facing are pretty bad. It doesn’t mean that we can’t have a fun summer to remember for a lifetime – we just have to accept that it’s going to be a little different, so here are a few ideas I put together to help get us started…
Go Live in a Cave!
Caves are really underrated in modern society – they’re isolated, they’re cool and dark, and sometimes they even come with their own bears, which are great for cuddling! The time to stake your claim on your own cave is now because once society begins to topple, I guarantee you cave real estate is going to be in hot demand…
Learn How to be a Teacher
Let’s be honest – sending your kids to school was like licking a petri dish even before this global pandemic, and at the rate we’re going, we’ll all be teachers in the virtual school of life by fall anyways. So maybe it’s not such a crazy idea to dust off those math skills and figure out what semicolons are supposed to be used for now so that we’re prepared when we all get thrust back into the world of youth education here in a few months.
Clean Your Closet of Any Racist Memorabilia
I don’t necessarily mean physical goods, unless you’ve got a t-shirt or a pair of pants that really crosses the line – in that case, it’s time for them to go! But in light of the thousands of folks lining the streets in protest of racial inequality these days, it couldn’t hurt to take a quick look at your own life to make sure you’re not accidentally being a tremendous jerk without even knowing it.
Do you find yourself saying things like, “Those people…” or “I’m not racist, but…” when you open your mouth? There’s a simple fix – just don’t!
Look at that – you’re sounding more classy already!
Take the Family Down to the Local Swimming Hole
Note that due to social distancing rules and increased regulations for wearing face masks, you may be better off SCUBA diving as a family into the wee depths of said swimming hole where the Coronavirus can’t get you, but hey, a day at the beach is still a day at the beach, am I right?!
Buy a Go Kart
Every kid always wants a go kart at some point in their childhood, and they almost never get them because putting a child behind the wheel of a gas-powered vehicle on a public street would be insane. But these are insane times in which we live, and on the plus side, you won’t have to worry about social distancing when no one will come within six feet of your kid because he’s constantly trying to run them over!
Come on, Dad – live a little!
Invent the Next Big Social Media Site
Twitter is a dumpster fire, Facebook is 95% conspiracy theories, but there’s one thing they both have in common – their founders are all filthy stinking rich and couldn’t care less whether their sites contribute to the detriment of humanity or not.
All you have to do is come up with a new site that hundreds of millions of users will mindlessly click on every single day and you, too, could have a money bin in your backyard to rival Scrooge McDuck’s!
Create a Vaccine for This Coronavirus Thing
And if you do, be sure to keep the humor columnist in mind who gave you the idea when you’re deciding who first gets to inject your revolutionary, new drug that may or may not also give people superpowers on top of making them immune to COVID-19.
I’d like to be able to fly and shoot laser beams out of my eyes, if you’re taking requests…